When We Are Filled With Horror

We've been talking about our needs for the past few weeks. As we work our way up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, we're going to pause to talk about a simple tool to increase your awareness of your true needs - and simultaneously begin to meet those needs.

You may have heard people mention yoga as a great thing to try or a helpful part of your exercise routine, but not be aware of how it can meet your needs on a variety of levels.

To bring you some insight into the benefits of yoga, I interviewed Melissa Garner, LMHC, QS, RYT, who not only has a Masters Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Psychology and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, but is also a Registered Yoga Teacher, and regularly interweaves mental health and yoga. These are some of the responses she had to my questions (as well as a few of my own insights).

We’ve heard yoga is helpful – what exactly is yoga helpful for?

• Manage your thoughts
• Increase your confidence
• Give you tools you can practice in class, and continue to use in your everyday life
• Increase your self-awareness (this is the figuring out your needs part)
• Be present in your body
• Be present in the moment
• Improve ability to rest (by activating the parasympathetic nervous system which enables rest and digestion)

Personally, my favorite thing about yoga is how it helps me be present, tune into my current needs and find a path forward that honors my needs. It provides an antidote to our productivity-minded society where we feel good about ourselves only when we are accomplishing things. Instead, we make progress in yoga by accepting and being present, rather than pushing harder and harder, hoping our sheer effort and will-power will bring success. (Catherine)

How would someone decide what type of yoga is right for them?

If you're looking to address depression, anxiety, or mood management, Melissa recommends something more gentle like restorative yoga, yin yoga (which is focused on relaxation poses), or any classes that have gentle or beginner in their title. Most yoga studios will have class descriptions available on their websites.

On the other end of the spectrum, you might choose a high-energy class if you're feeling restless. A high-energy class can be regulating and calming in its own way. High-energy classes tend to be more calming for me because with slower classes, my mind wanders more and I don't have an outlet for all my energy (Catherine). Listen to your body and and chose a class that feels right for you at the time. Some days you may feel restless and choose a high-energy class, and other days you may feel tired, and choose a relaxation class.

Yoga is about being attuned to what you need. If you've experienced any form of trauma, yoga can be incredibly empowering and help you be more present in your body. Do not feel pressure to participate in any poses that make you feel uncomfortable or triggered. It's not a competition. It's about listening to your body and doing what’s right for you at that time.

Resources

Pensacola has two main yoga studios, Breathe and URU. They are both wonderful options for yoga classes.

Melissa offers several yoga classes as well as private sessions for yoga and counseling. She is also launching a new CEU course about Yoga and Mental Health. You can learn more about Melissa and her services here. You will find some of her favorite poses to manage depression here.

Melissa incorporates a mental health skill into each yoga class, such as:

• self-care
• being aware of yourself and your needs
• how to increase what you need and get rid of what you don’t need
• how to regulate your thoughts (direct your thoughts to a productive state – not jumping to negative conclusions but realistically assessing situations)
• calm your mind

Denise Amick, who is also a local therapist and yoga instructor, is holding a 4-week combination yoga/group process program.  It runs from 10/3/19 - 10/24/19.  Contact Denise by October 1 to register: 850-324-2428 or amickcounseling@gmail.com.

If you want daily inspiration and tips, check out Sarah Moody, who is located in Oakland, CA. You can find her website here and Instagram here. Check out her Guided Meditation to know what you're feeling, so you can identify what you need and be present so that you can meet that need. (Full disclosure, Sarah is my sister and I think she's doing amazing work.)

If you want a way to do yoga at home, check out Yoga With Adriene. Her videos are also available on youtube, and are wonderful for helping you be present and grounded. I love her spirit of warmth and acceptance.

You are important

The greatest gift you can give to others is your presence. Really noticing the other person, listening to them, being present with them. When we are truly present with another we communicate "you are important," and even more than that, "you are important to me."

You are valuable

What is it like to spend time with someone who makes you feel valuable...heard...worthwhile?  Someone who listens without judging or shaming.  Without needing you to agree with them.  Where you feel accepted and at peace.

You don't need to prove yourself

And what would it be like for you to spend time with others without needing to prove your own point or your own self-worth?  Without anxiously wondering what the other person thinks of you or how you can get them to meet your needs?

You are enough

We need each other for this, but we can also give ourselves the gift of showing up for our own life, being present with ourselves. We can be aware of thoughts, feelings, motivations instead of avoiding, numbing, or distracting ourselves. We can be true to ourselves. We can listen to ourselves instead of trying to overrun or disown our own needs.

We can be present instead of spacing out. We can live from within instead of watching ourselves or managing our behaviors. We can treat ourselves with respect instead of bullying ourselves into better behavior. We can treat ourselves with kindness instead of shaming ourselves. We can be honest and real with ourselves.

Refreshed

You know when you’ve been around a person who is at peace with themselves and present with you. You leave feeling refreshed and can’t wait to spend time with them again. Seek out these people, learn from them, and be refreshed by them.  If you don't currently know anyone like this, a counselor is a good place to start experiencing someone being fully present with you and there for you.

The path forward

Seek out a therapist or friend to walk with you on this journey. Practice being present and really listening. Go to yoga classes to practice living an embodied and present life. Journal to express the thoughts and feelings that come up on this journey. Find places that fill you with wonder and hope. 

Note: often judging and shaming, the sense of not being enough, are rooted in deep beliefs about ourselves.  Sometimes being aware of self-defeating patterns and self-limiting thoughts is enough to begin changing them.  If you find that your self-limiting thoughts don't budge with logical examination, a counselor is often the most efficient way to effectively address them.  I've seen clients see dramatic changes in their lives by addressing these patterns in therapy, particularly with EMDR.  They feel like a burden has been lifted and are able to move forward with their lives. You can reach me at catherine@cqcounseling.com if this is something you would like to explore for yourself.

We all have a fundamental need to belong and to know we are important. Psychologist Abraham Maslow lists belonging as the most important human need after food, shelter, and safety needs are met.

I have observed that we can often endure other deprivations and difficulties if we know we belong and we matter to someone. A top predictor of thriving after a disturbing life event is to have at least one person who is there for you unconditionally. Can you be that person for someone this year?

How many of our thoughts and actions are directed towards this need to feel important to someone? How much of our daily energy is used trying to meet this need, to feel like we belong?

Belonging not only gives us a sense of security and self-worth, but helps define our identity. I am, for example, a daughter, wife, mother, counselor, yoga-enthusiast, story-seeker, competitive game-player, and nature-lover. What groups and interests have become a part of your identity, a place where you belong?

A good place to start meeting this need is to recognize and be grateful for the people who already support you. If you can't identify anyone, think of the things you are passionate about, and find like-minded people and groups to spend time with. Pets are also a wonderful resource for unconditional support. The poem "Everything is Waiting for You" shows us some amazing, less obvious ways to wake up to a sense of belonging. Additionally, you can begin creating a place for others to belong.

To meet this need, we need others, but we also need ourselves. An important facet of meeting this need is to give ourselves the gift of showing up for our own life, being present with ourselves. Read more about the power of presence in the next blog of this series.

We all have needs. As much as we like to think we are superheroes who have no needs and no limitations, we can find peace and freedom in naming and meeting our needs instead of avoiding or shunning them.Psychologist Abraham Maslow provided a helpful tool for conceptualizing many of our needs:

Take time today to notice where your thoughts naturally gravitate. Observe where your time is spent today.

Did you spend time worrying about what others think of you?  

Did you spend a lot of time thinking about your "to do list" and accomplishing things because success and productivity make you feel important?  

Were you worried about paying all of your bills?  

Were you concerned about making sure other people respect you?

These are all clues about what needs are most salient in your life right now.  Can you find a healthy way to meet those needs today?

More to come in this series on Meeting Our Needs...

Starting another year trying to create a new you? The one that goes to the gym 3 times a week, eats healthy meals, and gives up bad habits? What if this year, you didn't have to plunge ahead with the New Year's Resolutions, just hoping it will work out?

What if the focus was not on new behaviors, but rather being yourself – truly, authentically yourself?

Sometimes, in the rush to make and fulfill New Year's Resolutions, we attempt to brush past the things we don't like about ourselves and try to make a new version of ourselves. Then our attempts to change ourselves fail, and we feel even worse about ourselves than we did to begin with. What if this year, you begin with noticing. If you learned to be curious about yourself and your needs, instead of focusing on what you feel needs to change in order to accept yourself or have the life you want?

What if the focus was on being real instead of being your ideal version of you?

Living from a place of solid "realness" is much more rewarding than creating an external change. Granted, there might be a little discomfort from being aware of the parts you like and don't like about yourself. But from that awareness, you might actually discover that you can enjoy being you without the frantic need to be more perfect. Maybe the new habits you want to form and the goals you want to reach are still worth working towards. Once you are able to see yourself for who you are, you open the door to who you want to be. The obstacles and resistance to those goals become more clear and the goals more achievable.

Start by being you.