When We Are Filled With Horror

We often feel like we're in a juggling act with all the demands and responsibilities we're trying to meet. And sometimes you have too many balls to keep them all going. This time of year, I like to think of them as ornaments. You have to drop some of those balls - either to let them go... or to pick them back up later. The way you decide which balls to drop, is to assess which balls are rubber and can bounce and recover, and which balls are glass, and need you to prioritize them so they don't fall and crack.

Thank you, Jessica N. Turner, for this juggling act analogy and your book Stretched Too Thin: How Working Moms Can Lose the Guilt, Work Smarter, and Thrive.

As I've seen ornaments on my own tree and around town, I'm reminded of this analogy and it helps me keep living it. I hope it's helpful to you as well in this busy holiday season.

When you're feeling down, try these yoga poses to boost your mood.

You do not need a yoga mat or amazing flexibility - just yourself and the willingness to try something new.  The standing poses are the easiest to use when you're not at home - use them at your office or wherever you need them.

*Please note these poses will not eradicate depression, but are part of a healthy plan to alleviate depressive symptoms.  Read more about creating a comprehensive plan to address depression here.  Also note if you have any history of abuse, choose poses that allow you to stay present in your body and do not trigger you.‍

Legs up the wall

‍Forward bends

Downward dog

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‍Wide-leg forward bend

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Child's pose

‍Bridge pose

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‍Spinal twist

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‍Fetal position

Resting pose (savasana)

Special thanks to Melissa Garner, LMHC, QS, RYT, licensed mental health counselor and yoga instructor, who partnered with me to create this page.  She offers yoga classes in the Pensacola area that incorporate mental health.  You can find her here.  I also interviewed Melissa about the benefits of yoga for mental health and am excited to share that interview soon.  Stay tuned!

When you hear the word depression, what comes to mind? Sadness and thoughts of suicide probably top the list.  These are signs of depression, but there are others that often go unrecognized...

Surprising signs of depression:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Quick temper
• Irritability (especially true for kids)
• Increase in negative/shaming thoughts (that are hard to fight off even when you recognize them and try your best)
• Withdrawal
• Change in eating habits (eating all the time, not wanting to eat, or even sometimes binging-restrictive eating)
• Change in sleeping habits (sleeping all the time, hard to get out of bed in the morning, or conversely not able to sleep as well as normal)
• Lack of motivation, energy
• Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy

Experiencing these symptoms does not automatically mean you have depression, but it means there is something going on and it would be a good idea to consult a counselor and/or doctor to rule out depression.Other signs of depression can include:

• Suicidal ideation, which means thinking about death, dying, or ceasing to exist
• Inability to get out of bed in the morning
• Hopelessness
• Frequent crying, sadness, or tearfulness

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, if you have developed a plan, and if you don't know if you can keep yourself safe, seek help immediately. Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.  You can reach the National Suicide Hotline by calling 1-800-273-8255 or you can chat with them online at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat.

Ways to prevent and fight depression:

• Positive self-talk (here's an example of changing self-talk to reduce anxiety)
• Physical activity
• Yoga (find specific yoga poses to alleviate depression here)
• Massage (Kelli Merriman is a wonderful resource in the Pensacola area)
• Mindfulness
• Healthy eating (practical suggestions, research)
• Good sleep habits
• Time in sunlight and nature (try a light-box in the winter)
• Gardening
• Artistic expression
• Antidepressant medication*
• TMS Therapy - a way to alter brain chemistry that contributes to depression without medication
• Counseling (if you'd like to schedule a session, you can contact me here)

*Note: Research shows that counseling is more effective for long-term improvement than antidepressants.  In my experience as a counselor, adding the treatment of an antidepressant to counseling can make counseling more effective.  Clients often report that on an antidepressant, it's like the heavy blanket that was weighing them down has been lifted. They're shocked to find that they are less irritable and less easily angered.  With the support of an antidepressant, they are able to effectively work through the underlying issues contributing to the depression.  And they're finally able to make use of the rest of the above tools to fight depression.  In sum, they feel like they're finally able to make the changes they want in their lives.

An antidepressant is not for everyone with depressive symptoms and is not a cure-all, but it can be a helpful tool to correct chemical imbalances in the brain contributing to depression.  (Important note: if you also experience periods of the following: racing thoughts, days with little to no sleep, increase in productivity/creativity, and high-risk behaviors (e.g. frequent sex or overspending), please inform your doctor/counselor so that you get the most accurate diagnosis and effective medication for you.)

When we think of being brave, we usually think of heroes - imaginary superheroes or firefighters rescuing people from burning buildings. What does it mean to be brave in our daily hum-drum lives?Being brave means having the courage to be present. To be who we are. To face reality. To acknowledge we have needs and we need to meet them. To be real.

Being present

Think of a time you've been fully present to an experience, to a conversation, to a moment of connection. Being brave might mean having the courage to step away from your phone or social media in order to fully enjoy a sunset, a game with your child, a date with your partner. It might mean being willing to be present to resolve a conflict, to listen to someone else's opinion even when you disagree, or be aware of feeling discomfort.

Being who we are

It is so easy to modify our view of ourselves based on others' expectations for us. Notice if you find yourself apologizing all the time, or if you compare yourself to others frequently. Sometimes we've learned to be who others want us to be for so long that we don't even truly know who we are. Take the journey to find out. It is so much more fulfilling to be yourself than a shadow version of yourself.

Facing reality

Let's face it, reality is sometimes pretty awful. We may not be able to face the realities in our life and our world alone, but bravery asks us to face them together. As I like to say, "Once you are open to the questions, you can start living the answers. Once you make peace with who you are and where you are, you can begin to move forward again." Some things you can face with friends and family by your side, and some things are so big and overwhelming, you may need the expertise of a counselor to titrate what you need to face. (Just remember, facing does not mean you have to re-live every detail of a difficult memory - it just means you acknowledge it so you can move forward. One of the reasons I love EMDR so much is that you can face it without being overwhelmed and it will decrease the future emotional intensity of the experience.)

Acknowledging we have needs and we need to meet them

Our society idolizes productivity, perfection, and success. No one can keep up with the expectations to be the best at everything. Being brave may mean asking for help instead of pretending like we have it all together. If we don't meet our needs, our bodies have a way of telling us and trying to meet them in unhelpful ways. Maybe we just need a good cry and a hug instead of that pint of ice cream.

To be real

Who are the people you most enjoy being with? Are they people who are comfortable in their own skin, who are real and authentic? When we are around people like that, we can't help but want more. It may not feel safe to be real with certain people. You have to decide when and how to be courageous enough to be real. Start where you'll get positive feedback and keep expanding it. Being real is worth the risk.

What goals do we have for our kids (and for ourselves)?  Is bravery one of them?  Maybe.  To be successful?  Definitely.

I would argue that if you want your child to be successful, you also want them to be brave.  Unfortunately, we often unintentionally raise our kids to equate perfection with success.  When they try to be perfect, they become focused on being the best, and they become fearful of failing.  They become so cautious that they only want to try something new if they know they can do it perfectly right away.  Moreover, this leads to anxiety and missed opportunities. On the other hand, bravery opens doors to become more confident and take advantage of more opportunities.

Six signs that my child is brave:

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1. They love to be themselves
2. They aren't afraid to make mistakes
3. They're excited to try new things (even if they don't know if they'll be good at it)
4. They see setbacks as challenges instead of failures
5. They can acknowledge all of their feelings
6. They stick up for others, even when it's not popular

So, what if I'd like my child to be more brave?

• A good place for your child to start is to read Stick Up For Yourself.  It teaches kids how to have a sense of personal power and self-confidence.
• Check out my blog post about teaching kids a growth mindset, which fosters bravery: How to Effectively Affirm Kids.
• You can also seek consultation or support from a counselor to make a plan to address your child's anxiety and increase bravery.  Theraplay is one of my favorite modalities for helping kids in this area.  (Read more about Play Therapy and Theraplay in my blog post "What Actually Happens in Therapy.")
• Most importantly, live into this reality yourself.  When your child sees you living this way, they will be able to learn it from you first hand.

So, what if I've realized that I've been trying to be perfect and don't know how to model bravery to my child?

• Steep yourself in writers such as Brené Brown.
• Change the way you talk to yourself.  Start noticing when you expect perfection from yourself and change your expectations.  My blog post A Case of the "Shoulds and Oughts" will get you started.
• Gather a support system around you who can help you live into this reality
• Get support from a counselor.  You don't need to have a major problem to seek counseling.  Counseling is also a tool to live into the life you want.  EMDR is one modality that is very effective at changing the scripts and patterns of behavior in our lives, and can help you move from perfectionism to bravery.