When We Are Filled With Horror

Where do you fit on the spectrum of who's responsible?  Sometimes it depends on the situation, but often we gravitate towards one end of the spectrum or the other.

Have you noticed yourself taking on responsibility for everyone else’s feelings?  Or at least certain people’s feelings?  You might feel that you have more control over a situation if you take responsibility: "If I was more careful, xyz wouldn't have happened to me."  "If I calm so-and-so down and tell him he's right, maybe our relationship can go back to normal."  This is the hyper-responsibility end of the spectrum.

At the other end of the spectrum: Do you blame everyone else for your problems so you can avoid any responsibility?  So you can uphold your ideal view of yourself as strong, invincible, successful, in control, never wrong, etc.?  Blaming others is the obvious sign of this stance.  However, defensiveness can be a more subtle clue that this is happening for you.

Which one fits you most often?  For today's post, I'm going to focus on the hyper-responsibility end of the spectrum - why it happens and what to do about it.

Why do I take on all of the responsibility?

This tendency to take on too much responsibility can happen for a variety of reasons:

1. Kid-logic: If this tendency started when you were young, kid-logic probably has something to do with it.  Developmentally, kids assume everything is about them.  That's why even if you tell kids the divorce is not their fault, it's difficult for them to believe that without further processing.  Anything that happens is because of them or related to them.
2. Ingrained messages: This is compounded if you lived with (or had a close relationship with) someone that was on the blame end of the spectrum and either told you directly, or implied, that things were always your fault.
3. A way of feeling more in control: If you lived in an unpredictable environment, it might have felt better to assume responsibility so that you could feel some measure of control.  For example, "if I was a better kid, my dad wouldn't have left."  Or "If I get all A's, my mom won't have a reason to yell at me.
4. Personality: Enneagram wisdom posits that there are 3 different stances in the world: aggressive, dependent, and withdrawn.  I hypothesize that if you are in the aggressive stance you are more likely to be on the blaming end of the spectrum and if you are in the dependent stance, you are more likely to take on too much responsibility.  (I'm not sure if the withdrawn stance is predictive of either one.)  No matter your stance, you have the opportunity to find balance: taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and only for your own feelings and actions.  More about that later.
5. To feel good about yourself: If I'm the one taking the blame, I'm not the mean one dishing out the blame.  If I take on the responsibility, it means I'm altruistic, noble, a helper, mediator, etc.  If I don't, I feel mean or uncaring.
6. To protect your view of an important person: Taking responsibility is also a way to protect your ideal view of another person.  Especially when you are young, it's hard to acknowledge that someone has both good and bad aspects to them.  If you need to preserve your view that your mom is loving and protective, and you can't reconcile her actions with that view, you might take on all the responsibility to keep her as all good, and you become all bad.

How untrue beliefs can affect you

Unless these beliefs and patterns are corrected, you may spend the rest of your life seeing the world through the lens that you are bad, defective, unlovable, or powerless.  These are the kinds of underlying beliefs that can keep you stuck if they are not identified and processed.  EMDR is one effective framework that targets these beliefs so that you can be free.  You don't have to see the world through the lens of "I'm bad" anymore - looking for evidence that others believe you're bad too, disbelieving anyone that tries to tell you otherwise, or trying to prove to yourself and others that you are not bad.  You can let that go and just be you.

The Goal

The goal is to find a happy medium where you can take responsibility for your part and let others take responsibility for their part.  Your feelings and actions are your responsibility.  Others' feelings and actions are their responsibility.

Explore resources for building assertiveness and setting boundaries. Consider individual therapy for personal support in building these skills.

Are you feeling tired, scattered and burned out from trying to do so much?This New Years, let's approach our goals a little differently.  It's time to weed out the sources of exhaustion in our lives.  It's time to replace these draining influences with life-giving habits.It's time to move from exhaustion to being present for your life.  From just getting by to thriving.  It's time to really show up for your life.  Will you join me?

Sources of Exhaustion

1. Reacting to others' expectations rather than living out of your own desires and goals
2. Unreasonable expectations for yourself
3. Fear of disappointing others
4. Over-identification with an ideal version of yourself (as productive, accomplished, helpful, generous, successful, strong, authentic, capable, wise, fun, loyal, or fill in the blank)
5. Not feeling allowed to set boundaries or say no
6. Unhealed wounds
7. Continued involvement in toxic relationships
8. Unresolved sorrow, un-grieved losses
9. Information overload
10. Trying to push through until you can't push anymore

‍(Sources of Exhaustion adapted from Invitation to Retreat by Ruth Haley Barton)

‍Do any of these resonate with you?  Take time to evaluate which of these sources of exhaustion ring true for you.  Identify any others that aren't listed (and please share them with me!).  Prioritize which ones you want to tackle first.  Now that you've identified the areas you want to work on, we can identify a way to address each one.

How to foster the life you want

Here is a summary of some of the ways you can find more freedom, space, and energy in your life.  I've written them in a simple, straightforward way, but I realize that accomplishing them is a process.  I'll be writing a series on these throughout the New Year to help you walk through them more in-depth.

1. Learn to recalibrate the compass for your life from others' expectations and reactions to what is personally life-giving to you. (Identify your personal goals and desires.  What makes you light up?  When do you feel most alive? Learn how to be a personal coach to yourself. Learn to act instead of react.)
2. Set reasonable expectations for yourself.  Learn the freedom of being human and having needs and limitations just like everyone else.  Learn patterns of rest, play, and work.  Break up with the bully in your head that tells you it's never enough.  If that inner critic is communicating through the tyranny of "shoulds and oughts," you can find some initial steps to take back your power here.
3. Learn to believe that you're okay the way you are.  Your worth is not dependent on others' reactions to you.  Because this is such a deep belief, you may need some support from a therapist and the therapeutic tool EMDR to fully change this one.  But start with changing your thoughts about it.  Remind yourself of your worth.
4. Let go of your idealized version of yourself.  Being real is much, much better than being the perfect version you want to be.  Being known and valued for who you are is worth the vulnerability. The Enneagram is a helpful tool for identifying your idealized self so that you can find balance and freedom in embracing your real self.  I am offering an 8-week Enneagram growth group to help with this process, starting March 2020. Contact me to sign up.
5. Learn how to set boundaries.  Start by saying "I'll have to think about that" instead of jumping into commitments.  Learn what hooks you into giving in so you can resist the compulsion to give in.  A good place to start is my worksheet on making assertiveness a reality in your life.  Join my assertiveness group to have support and guidance as you practice gaining personal autonomy.
6. Heal from the past.  Part of the pain of unhealed wounds is the effort it takes to avoid them, pretend they don't exist, numb yourself, keep them locked away in a box, or stuff them down.  Find a therapist who is committed to keeping you in a window you can tolerate when processing instead of flooding you.  My clients have expressed amazement at how light they feel after letting go of this baggage.
7. Recognize and ditch toxic relationships.  If you can't get out of them entirely, learn how to neutralize their affect on you as much as possible.  Individual therapy and an assertiveness group can be really helpful in making this a reality.  Also check out my favorite books to deal with toxic relationships: The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Emotional Autonomy.
8. As Amanda Cook says, "we can only heal what we're willing to feel." Avoidance, stuffing down emotions, and other ways we cope with overwhelming circumstances and losses only works for so long before it begins back-firing on you.  You may need some space in your life and a support system to work through the pain, but that is the only way to heal.  I want you to know that feeling does not mean being flooded and overwhelmed.  I will be writing more about healing from your window of tolerance soon, so stay tuned.
9. We are human beings.  Our society encourages us to be human consumers - more things, more information, more, more, more.  We have to create rhythms in our lives that make space for contemplation and just being.  That is how we live deeper instead of faster.  I love how Ruth Haley Barton teaches about healing rhythms that create space.  Her teachings about Sources of Exhaustion were the catalyst for this article.  (Note: Ruth Haley Barton is a Christian and mentions things related to spiritual growth.)
10. At some point, willpower fails us because we keep trying in the same way.  One of my favorite ways to find new ways of seeing and doing things is the Enneagram.  We all have a particular lens for seeing the world.  The Enneagram helps us step back and get perspective so that when we do try again, we can flow instead of push our way through the problem.  I will be writing more about the Enneagram and starting an Enneagram growth group March 2020, so stay tuned! Let go of your idealized version of yourself.  Being real is much, much better than being the perfect version you want to be.  Being known and valued for who you are is worth the vulnerability. The Enneagram is a helpful tool for identifying your idealized self so that you can find balance and freedom in embracing your real self.  I am offering an 8-week Enneagram growth group to help with this process, starting March 2020. Contact me to sign up.

Next Steps

I would love to help you evaluate your sources of exhaustion and find better patterns for yourself.  It's time to give yourself the chance to rest and heal.  It's time to find balance.  Email me if you'd like someone to walk alongside you on this journey.

The benefits of empathy

Empathy is powerful.  It benefits not only the recipient, but also the giver.If you are wondering, "Why should I care about empathy?  What kind of impact can it have on my life and the people around me?" here are just a few of the benefits of empathy:

1. Increased satisfaction
2. Increased happiness
3. Can inoculate you against depression*
4. Helps you adjust to new circumstances
5. Builds bridges and connections
6. Reduces stress

*Note: experiencing empathy cannot prevent depression but it can potentially lessen its prevalence and intensity in your life.

Standford psychologist and director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory, Jamil Zaki, explains some of the benefits of empathy this way:

"In many cases, empathy benefits all parties involved.  So for instance, patients of empathic doctors are more satisfied with their care but are also more likely to follow doctors' recommendations, which is important for things like preventative care.  And spouses of empathic partners are happier in their marriages.

But one thing that I think people don't realize as much is that people who experience empathy for others also benefit. It's not just receiving it, but giving it helps us too.  So people who are relatively high in empathy, for instance, are less likely to become depressed.  Feeling empathy for others reduces our stress.  And adolescents who are able to pick out other people's emotions accurately are better adjusted during middle school" (Zaki, Hidden Brain podcast Empathy Gym 7/29/19).

What is empathy?

Okay, it sounds like empathy is a great thing.  But, what exactly is it?

I would colloquially define empathy as caring about and understanding others' feelings and experiences.  There are actually different facets of empathy.  The following are the three types of empathy identified by psychologists:

Types of Empathy

1. Emotional Empathy: feeling others' feelings with them
2. Cognitive Empathy: understanding what someone else is feeling and why they're feeling that way
3. Compassion: feeling concern for others' and desire for their well-being to improve

Each of them is important, and can balance each other.  For example, if you have emotional empathy for everyone you meet and everyone you see suffering on the news, you will quickly develop compassion fatigue.  And compassion fatigue can lead to not caring at all because you have no energy left to care, and possibly no hope that things can improve.  Or, you might become so overwhelmed by feeling the other persons' emotions that you shut down.

Emotional empathy does not mean that you are responsible for picking up others' feelings and feeling them yourself.  This can lead to unhealthy boundaries, such as enmeshment, and leave you feeling depleted, anxious, powerless, or responsible for managing the other person's feelings for them.  A healthy way to practice emotional empathy is to be emotionally present with the other person's feelings but not take them on yourself.  You can learn more about how to give the gift of being present here.

‍Cognitive empathy is one way to balance out emotional empathy, so you can take a step back and understand where someone is coming from, and display compassion by caring what happens to them without depleting all of your emotional reserves.  If on the other hand, you only show cognitive empathy for a partner or friend, that person may not fully experience that you care about them and what they're going through.

An important part of cognitive empathy is understanding others, and this is considered by some experts to be the first element of empathy (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence).

‍Compassionate empathy is the fruit of these two types of empathy.  It is effective empathy in action.  This might take the form of a caring word, a shoulder to cry on, or practical help.  It is important to be aware of how the person wants to receive support and help.  Emotional and cognitive empathy can help you identify this so you're not over-helping, or helping in a way that the person doesn't want.  For example, you may want to help by giving practical solutions while the person just wants emotional support before figuring it out on their own.  When you are ready to put compassionate empathy into practice, don't assume you know what the person needs.  Ask them before acting.  This is a way of giving them respect.  A great Christian resource for compassionate empathy is Henri Nouwen's book Compassion.

Which type of empathy do you gravitate towards?  Is there one you shy away from?

"Different brain systems support emotional and cognitive empathy and empathic concern.  And different groups of people struggle with different flavors of empathy.  People with autism spectrum disorders, for instance, struggle sometimes to understand others, their cognitive empathy, but don't struggle as much to share other people's emotions or care about what other people feel.  Individuals with psychopathy have the opposite profile.  They're often perfectly able to understand what other people feel, but they don't share those emotions" (Zaki, Hidden Brain podcast Empathy Gym 7/29/19).In summary, we could say the three types of empathy are:

1. Understanding others
2. Sensing their feelings and emotions
3. Taking a genuine interest in them and their concerns (Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence)

Read more at: https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/understanding-others.html

How do I develop empathy?

Understand feelings

To care about and understand others' feelings, it is helpful to have a basic understanding of feelings.  Some people have a good understanding of their feelings.  Some have a better understanding of others' feelings, but less awareness of their own.  And some people would rather not bother with emotions at all.  No matter which of these categories you fall into, feelings are an important part of what it means to be human and it is imperative to have an understanding of common emotions.  You can find a great diagram for common emotions here.

Perspective-taking

It is also important to develop the skill of perspective-taking.  We commonly refer to this as "putting yourself in someone else's shoes" in order to understand their perspective and feelings.

A great way to learn to do this is by reading novels.  You are seeing the world through the protagonist's perspective - their interpretations, feelings, etc.  I keenly remember reading The Good Earth by Pearl Buck as a child and really understanding on a visceral level what famine means.  I learned the inner workings of an emotionally hurt child by reading the Elizabeth Gail series.  Before that, I might have interpreted the child's lashing out as being mean, but after seeing things from one such child's perspective, I understood that she wanted desperately to accept the love and support offered to her, but didn't know how.  Such books helped me consider the perspective and needs of kids I met in person.

A more extroverted way to experience a similar perspective-taking is through participating in a drama class or play.  You get to take on and act out the feelings of different people.  You create your own inside view into another's experience, and get to feel what it's like for others to react to you in this space as well.

Poetry is another way of increasing empathy.  As Tuesday Ryan-Hart shares: "Poetry is one of our most vivid channels for empathy.  It helps us reckon with the human experience and figure out how to live among each other.  It grapples with unanswerable questions and, in all its forms—lauded and richly-awarded books, ferocious spoken word performances, beloved songs and historic speeches—it rallies our attention."

Understand the impact of identity and belonging

We are more likely to be empathetic towards people we consider like us.  We are less empathetic towards those we consider "other."  This is often called the "us vs. them" dichotomy.  You may be able to increase your compassion for someone if you can find a way to put them in the "us" category.

A study Zaki references in his talk gives us a helpful example.  Soccer players who wrote about why they loved their team showed increased empathy for someone who was on, or supported, their team.  This was helpful, but still limiting, since they did not show compassion for soccer players from other teams.  However, when they wrote about why they loved soccer in general, their empathy expanded to include all soccer players (Zaki, Hidden Brain podcast Empathy Gym 7/29/19).

Writing (or even thinking or talking about) what you have in common with or like about group of people can increase your identification with them, and your compassion for them.  However, you will need to be aware that it might make you less likely to be compassionate towards people outside of that group and compensate for that.

Communication skills

Learning good communication skills is also important for developing empathy.  The steps pertinent to empathy are:

1. Active listening
2. Clarifying
3. Reflecting

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply" (Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change).  

‍Here is how you practice these skills: one person expresses everything they're thinking and feeling about a particular situation.  The other person's only job at that point is to listen intently (active listening) and be able to express back to that person what they heard (reflecting).  If helpful, the person can also ask clarifying (non-judmental) questions.  The goal is for the listener to be able to convey what the speaker said in a way that the speaker agrees that they are heard and understood.  Then, they can reverse roles.  This is a far cry from the listener forgoing listening in favor of coming up with their rebuttal, devaluing or dismissing the speaker, or becoming defensive.  This activity can build bridges of understanding, respect, and connection and I invite you to practice it with someone in your life with whom you want to improve your connection.  You can learn more about these communication skills here.

Meet your needs

Empathy is at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  The sense of belonging and identity referenced in the soccer example (identifying as a team fan or as a soccer-enthusiast) is a few rungs below empathy, and important to develop first in order to develop empathy.  If you are secure in your sense of belonging, you will be able to extend empathy to those inside and outside your group without feeling threatened or reverting to tribalism.  Confidence is on the rung in between belonging and empathy, and also important to develop in order to have empathy for others without feeling that your own well-being is threatened.I have seen so many people have a dramatic increase in perspective and empathy after doing EMDR on a painful memory.  Once their pain was addressed, they had the space to consider the perspective of others involved.  Having empathy requires addressing your own feelings, pain, and needs in the situation.In sum, meeting your own basic needs is an important step to developing consistent empathy for others.  You can read more about how to do this on my blog series on Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which starts here.

An Obstacle to Empathy (and how to overcome it)

Empathy is not the same as agreement.  I find that too often people withhold empathy because they are afraid of communicating that they agree with someone's position.  You do not have to agree with someone to give them the respect of hearing and understanding where they are coming from.  By giving them that respect, you are building a bridge of understanding, communication, and compassion.  For example, if you are able to recognize that someone holds a certain view because they feel threatened or fearful, you can have cognitive empathy and compassion for them, and want them to not feel that way anymore.  You might even find some common ground.

To study empathy further, you can read Zaki's book "The War For Kindness: Building Empathy In A Fractured World."

‍If you'd like to explore how to parent in ways that promote empathy, I will be speaking on "Raising Kids to Choose Empathy and Authenticity" at First United Methodist Church (Pensacola) on Wednesday, September 25 at 6pm.

I look forward to continuing this conversation about empathy with you.

My thoughts on forgiveness are evolving and growing, thanks to survivors sharing their experiences, and wise clinicians empowering survivors to make the best decision for them.  My thoughts on forgiveness a year and a half ago are still valid, thus I am letting them stand on their own. You can read more about the Myths and Realities of Forgiveness I wrote about here.

Empowerment

Healing from abuse, trauma, and injustice requires empowerment.  You can choose to take the power back by forgiving, but if forgiving feels like relinquishing your importance and your power, maybe forgiveness should not on your healing agenda at this point.  If you want to add it on later, you can. There is no "right time" to forgive.  The "right time" is if and when you are ready and you want to.

I appreciate greatly the insights of Marilyn van Derber in her process of healing: "To the person who might say, 'You forgive him for yourself, not for him,' I reply, 'No, it would violate my sense of honor and integrity to forgive this lifelong behavior, but if your father sexually violated you, you may want to forgive him, for yourself, and I honor that decision.  All I ask is that you not judge others because we may have different resolutions to our betrayal and pain'" (Miss America by Day p. 416).  I highly recommend Marilyn's book Miss America by Day: Lessons Learned from Ultimate Betrayals and Unconditional Love, and the entire section she has devoted to the topic of forgiveness, which you will find on pp. 414-419.

Signs you may want to table forgiveness (for now or for always)

When you hear "forgive" what you feel/interpret is actually:

• I'm not important.
• Doing the "right" thing by forgiving is more important than my needs.
• Protecting the reputation of the abuser is more important than protecting and supporting me.
• No one recognizes the horror of what happened to me. They just want me to get over it.
• Other people feeling better is more important that addressing the injustice or supporting my healing.

If you are waiting for anger

If you haven't felt angry at your abuser or what happened, it may not be time to focus on forgiveness.  Anger is not necessary to forgive, but is usually a part of the process - of recognizing the wrong that was done to you before you can choose whether you want to forgive that wrong.

If you're not ready

If you feel like you have to push yourself to forgive and you keep getting stuck on this and unable to move on, it's time to put forgiveness on the back burner.  Rather than being a bad thing, this resistance can actually give you some important information about what else you may want to process in order to heal.  If forgiveness presents itself to you later in the journey as an invitation to more freedom and healing, then take it at that point.

If the focus is off

Forgiveness is helpful if it gives you the power to sever the negative emotional tie you have with the abuser.  But if by focusing on trying to forgive the abuser, your focus remains on him/her/them, leave it by the wayside for now.

If you feel like you don't have a choice

If you feel pressure to forgive in order to be a good person, do the right thing, or abide by your faith tradition's teachings.  You always have the choice and you can choose to forgive later when and if you are ready.

If you feel responsible

It's common to feel shame/guilt/responsibility for the abuse.  This is a normal reaction to many forms of abuse, especially sexual abuse, childhood abuse, and emotional/psychological abuse.  You may need to focus on placing the responsibility and the shame on the perpetrator where it belongs first.  Allow yourself to feel anger towards that person.  Later, you can work on  relinquishing anger if you find yourself stuck there.

Something to consider

If your abuser was someone so synonymous with evil as Hitler, would you still feel pressure to forgive?

What do I focus on instead?

Forgiving yourself.

There can be a lot of self-blame after abuse.  "Healing depends on being able to forgive yourself, not on being able to forgive your molester...You don't try to forgive Hitler. You don't sit around and work on that" (Davis and Bass The Courage To Heal p. 152).  I will be writing more on self-compassion in the future, so stayed tuned for more on this topic.

Grieving the losses associated with the trauma.

Maybe you need to grieve the loss of a version of yourself that will never exist anymore, the loss of someone important to you, the loss of a future you hoped for, the loss of hopes and dreams.

Placing responsibility accurately for what happened.

You are only responsible for your feelings, choices, and actions.  Upcoming posts will address accurately placing responsibility in greater depth.  You are not responsible for what your abuser did.  The abuse is never your fault.  Never.

Reducing the intensity of traumatic memories and related triggers

The traumatic memories may include the abusive events, but may also include the aftermath of the abuse.  The trauma of not being believed and supported can be just as traumatic as the actual event.  Sometimes talk therapy is effective enough to process and reduce the emotional intensity of the memories.  However, I find that EMDR is one of the most effective ways to reduce the emotional intensity of the situation, and feel like the things you have learned in talk therapy are true.  Sometimes talk therapy can get you to the place where you understand the abuse was not your fault, but you still feel ashamed and at fault.  EMDR can help your brain sync your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts so they are all in harmony.

Empowering yourself

Take care of yourself.  Give yourself permission to heal.  Reclaim control over your life.  Learn to listen to yourself and be your best advocate.  Find people who care about you and support you.  Surround yourself with these life-giving people.  Stop the cycle of trying to prove yourself or your pain to people who do not want to listen.  Learn how to be assertive and get support from others on the journey.  Learn to say what you need and stand up for yourself.  I offer an Assertiveness support group to empower you in this part of your journey.  I will have a free download, Make Assertiveness a Reality in Your Life, in the near future to get you started.  I will add it to this blog and also post a link on facebook: www.facebook.com/cqcounseling.  Follow me to make sure you get notified.

Note: What if I am ready to pursue forgiveness?

If you've read all this, and decide that you are ready and want to pursue forgiveness as a part of your healing journey, you can find more information on how to do that here.

I'd love to know what else has been an important part of your healing journey, and your thoughts/experiences with forgiveness.  You can reach me at catherine@cqcounseling.com.  Please don't be shy.  I'd love to hear from you.

Have you started recognizing some of your needs as we are on this journey together?

As we continue to move up the hierarchy of needs, you may have become aware of your need for belonging and being present. Or you may find that you have been focusing on other needs like wanting to feel more self-confident and know others respect you.

If you have children, which needs are you focused on? Are you wondering why your child isn't showing more empathy for others, or worried about their achievement?

Notice where those needs are in the hierarchy (see image below). If you find the needs higher on the pyramid, it may be easier to meet those needs once the ones below it are met.

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Evaluate which needs you are meeting effectively, and which ones are asking for your attention

Notice if your efforts to meet higher-order needs are effective. If it feels difficult to meet a need higher on the pyramid, ask yourself if there is an unmet need below it that feels unfulfilled. Sometimes we attempt to compensate for a more basic need not being met by focusing on other higher-order needs. This is one way to cope with the grief of that need not being fully met, but it can also keep us stuck. Grieving, processing, and finding creative ways to meet your basic need may allow you to then also meet the need to achieve without it becoming something that feels compulsive and unfulfilling.

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Set realistic expectations

Being aware of this hierarchy can also help you set realistic expectations for others. For example, I have found that children who have been through horrific abuse can be incredibly empathetic, but not at the same time that their fears about belonging are triggered. When they feel secure, they are able to empathize, achieve, problem-solve. Basic needs don't have to be completely met all the time in order to access higher-order growth, but if someone isn't getting basic sleep and nutrition, or is worried they are going to be fired any day, or don't feel like they belong anywhere, it is going to be much more difficult to be empathetic, feel confident, and be efficient at school or work.

Where are your greatest needs at the moment? Will you allow yourself to take care of those needs?

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Blackfoot Collectivist Culture holds an example of a more inclusive way of conceptualizing our needs than a hierarchy. And I think we are wise to listen.

3/16/23: Since writing the above blogs, I’ve been learning about Blackfoot Siksika values and I think they provide a lot for us to learn here. Apparently Maslow spent time with the Siksika and appropriated their ways of meeting needs into a framework that fit his white supremacy culture, and that's what psychology has passed down to us.

In the Siksika way of looking at needs, there was no need for a hierarchy to complicate things or turn needs into a competition or achievement. In their culture, there was no hierarchy of values, just as there was no hierarchy of people. All needs were important and possible to meet without having to climb a hierarchy to achieve them.

If we are hoping to move from authoritarian domination to respectful restoration, I think we can learn a lot from their values and ways of living. And not as something to appropriate, but something to celebrate, hold up, and give space for restoration. Watch a short synopsis about it here: Rethinking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs or read in-depth about it here: Could the Blackfoot Wisdom that Inspired Maslow Guide Us Now? | Medium.

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