When We Are Filled With Horror

How many times have we heard someone say, “he’s so manipulative” or “she’s so bossy”? We’re trying to make sense of others’ behaviors; and when we do, we often blame or label others in a negative way. We’re not even labeling their behavior – we’re labeling them.

In reality, all (well, maybe mostly all) behavior is functional.

We are trying to:

1. Meet a need
2. Solve a problem, or
3. Express an emotion

When we take time to understand the reason behind others’ behavior, we increase our ability to empathize with them. We might be able to understand where they’re coming from, or at least appreciate the legitimate need they are trying to meet.

This applies to ourselves as well. We can often be our own harshest critic, pushing ourselves to do better and berating ourselves for not doing enough. When we realize that we’re just trying to meet our own needs, we can have self-compassion and find a more helpful way to meet that need.

Try to see beyond the behavior today.

The holiday season is upon us.  We've just finished Thanksgiving, and are entering the whirlwind of Christmas.  This is "the most wonderful time of the year," according to one famous Christmas song.  Another song lauds the importance of being "home for the holidays."It doesn't take long to realize that one of the most cherished parts of this season is time spent with family.   We look forward to family togetherness and memories.  We all know that family interactions can be the highlight of the season, and can also easily become strained as tensions and expectations run high.

How can you make time spent with family as enjoyable as possible this year?

To start off, if you spent time with family for Thanksgiving, reflect on your Thanksgiving interactions.  What was most meaningful?  What do you wish went differently?  And how can you use that information to make decisions about family interactions throughout the rest of this holiday season?Families operate well when there is a good balance of togetherness and personal autonomy.  This means having good boundaries, clear communication, and awareness and respect for other family members' needs.

6 Tips to Enjoy Time With Your Family this Holiday Season:

1. Make expectations clear. This goes for gift-giving, time spent together, desired activities, etc.  For example, if you want to bake Christmas cookies with your aunt, make sure you let her know.  Don't expect that just because you did this together last year, she'll know you want to bake cookies again.  Also, if you won't be with family for the holidays, reach out to friends and ask to join them for holiday festivities.  Don't expect them to know what you need unless you communicate it.  In both cases, this will circumvent hurt feelings and resentment.
2. Communicate your needs and wants clearly. For example, "I would like to have some down time today.  I will be more rested and able to participate in time as a family if I skip the movie outing, then join you afterwards to see the Christmas lights."  This goes a lot further than, "You're always scheduling too many things for us to do!"  Here's another example of combining clear expectations and clear communication: "I enjoy time with your parents, but I feel drained after two weeks of non-stop interaction.  Could we find a way for you to have enough time with them and for me to have some down time?"
3. Communicate with the relevant person.  Often when we get frustrated, we form "triangles" and speak to or through a third person rather than communicating directly with the relevant person.  For example, a child may see her parents arguing or refusing to talk to one another and attempt to be the go-between to get her parents to communicate effectively with one another.  It's okay to get support from a third person occasionally, as long as this doesn't become the pattern of communication.  You may need to get support from a friend before you can resolve an issue with a spouse, sibling, or parent, but make sure it's an appropriate person (i.e. not your child) and it does not become the norm.
4. Be realistic. It is easy for nostalgia for certain traditions to become unexpressed expectations for the current season.  Be realistic about how much you can do and what others around you want to do and are capable of doing.  For example, if your child gets sensory overload with a huge crowd, don't expect him to come to a large family gathering and do well.  Make plans that allow him, and thus you, to have a good time.
5. Proactively make plans to address toxic relationships.  Some family members may not be ready to join you in clear communication and may continue unhealthy and hurtful patterns.  In those cases, find ways to have good boundaries with this person, get support for yourself, and when possible limit your interaction with them.  Find a neutral person in your support system or see a counselor for a few sessions to plan for and then process these interactions.  My favorite book to understand relationships with Emotionally-Immature People is Recovering from Emotionally-Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries & Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy. It focuses on parents, but talks about all types of relationships. If this is your situation, I'd love to help you process and prepare for how to handle these relationships.
6. Put down the electronics and enjoy some quality time together.  This may be harder said than done.  Don't let it ruin your time together if it doesn't happen as much as you like - remember to be realistic!  But as far as you are able, make being present with one another part of your present to each other.

Gratitude is something we often take for granted at Thanksgiving, then leave at the doorstep as we rush into Black Friday and the holiday season.  We aspire for joy that is supposed to be the hallmark of the holiday season, but without continuing gratitude, we can easily fall into busyness, stress, worry, and complaining.

What if this year we make the practice of "thanks-giving" last more than one day?  Gratitude journals have become more and more popular of late and are one great way to make this happen.  You can decide how you want to implement your gratitude journal, by keeping it simple or making it into a game of sorts.  You can use a journal, notepad, or the notes section on your phone.  Here are some ideas:

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1. Write down 3 things you are grateful for each morning as soon as you wake up and 3 things each evening before you go to bed.
2. Use the day of the month to guide how many things you list each day.  November 23, for example, you would see if you could list 23 things.
3. Each time you notice yourself complaining, pull out your gratitude journal and write something you are thankful for.
4. Tell at least one person a day you are thankful for them.

There is a host of research showing the benefits of gratitude, such as improvements in physical health, self-esteem, relationships, and even sleep.  See what benefits you notice in your own life as you practice gratitude.

Before we approach the topic of gratitude for Thanksgiving next week, I want to address an important prerequisite that will allow you to make room for gratitude in your life: the often-misunderstood concept of forgiveness.

We often feel like forgiveness is an act of relinquishing personal power, when in reality, it is actually claiming liberty and personal power.  It is a choice to move forward with your life and focus on yourself rather than let the person who wronged you continue to fill your thoughts and define your actions.

Contrary to popular opinion, forgiveness is not:

• Repressing (stuffing it down and pretending it didn’t happen)

Repressing leads to resentment, unexpressed anger, and often over time, stress-related health conditions

• Forgetting (I’m going to put it out of my mind)

Let’s be honest - does this ever work?  The more we try to forget about something, the more it seems to crowd our thoughts.

• Letting the offender off the hook (making excuses for the offender or saying what happened was okay)

This can lead to mistrust of your own intuition and a compromised sense of self

• Trusting the offender again (the assumption that forgiveness means going back to the way things were)

This can lead to repeat offenses

Forgiveness usually requires anger at the wrong committed against you.  Anger is a natural, healthy, and necessary response to being wronged or betrayed.  The question is whether you allow the anger to dictate your life, or whether you use it to set good boundaries for yourself with the person who wronged you and move on with your life.

There are different ways of releasing the feelings you have, whether they have been repressed or are ever-present.  These include writing a letter you do not send or using the “empty-chair” technique to find an assertive and empowered voice against the offender.  Sometimes you need a friend or counselor to help you through this process.  Once you have processed and released the power these feelings have over you, you can start to sever the negative emotional tie you have with the offender and experience the freedom of forgiveness.

In short, forgiveness is actually:

• Feeling and processing your reaction to the offense (not rehashing and re-living it over and over, but working through it)
• Releasing the negative emotional tie that has kept you connected to the offender, so that you can move forward with your life
• Viewing the offender accurately, which involves setting appropriate limits and boundaries to prevent repeat offenses
• Reclaiming a healthy and accurate view of yourself if this has been compromised

Forgiveness can happen both in small steps and huge breakthroughs. Each person’s process of forgiveness will be different.  Forgiveness is for your benefit and it is in your power to claim it.

I am encouraged by the empowering wave of #MeToo and in response have wanted to write about the subject of sexual harassment, abuse, and assault for many weeks.  I have struggled to do so until now because there is so much to say and I have not known how to focus what I want to say.

I have decided to share a few thoughts and resources for now.  More in-depth discussion of particular aspects of these areas may come in the future.

A few comments that stood out to me and their links follow:

‍“And I guess that’s the second time in my life I gave a man the benefit of the doubt, and the first time in my life I took the blame for it being awkward when a guy was inappropriate with me.”   - Veronica Ruckh

‍https://totalsororitymove.com/literally-why-cant-i-say-metoo/

‍“We are trained not to see it, and we are trained to belittle it when it happens to us.” – Beth Woolsey

‍http://bethwoolsey.com/2017/10/me-too-but-i-didnt-realize-it-for-25-years/

A common reaction to unwanted sexual advances is the tendency to “turn off” our gut instincts, and dismiss feeling uncomfortable.  This happens both for those who receive unwanted sexual advances and those who are societal or literal bystanders.  A key to moving forward is learning to trust our intuition, be comfortable in our bodies again, and to take action.

When you are in a scary or unsettling situation, it is common to freeze.  Even if you were not able to stand up for yourself in the moment, what happened is not your fault.  You can reclaim that power now.  You can do that with the support of family and friends, a counselor, a pastor, and organizations such as RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network – www. rainn.org).  For those of you providing the support, the following article shares helpful ways to do so:

https://melmagazine.com/how-to-listen-to-women-when-they-share-their-stories-of-sexual-assault-3d5e3bba1659

If adults have a hard enough time labeling and responding to unwanted sexual advances, you can imagine how much more difficult it is for children.  Perpetrators often go to great lengths to “groom” children to make them feel comfortable and less likely to say something.Some common grooming behaviors:

• Paying focused attention to the child and making the child feel special
• Planning fun activities with the child that require them to be alone together
• Platonic touching to get the child to be comfortable with their touch
• Calling the sexual behavior a “game” and sharing secrets with the child to gain their confidentiality
• See https://educateempowerkids.org/8-ways-predator-might-groom-child/ for more details

The most powerful ways to prevent children from experiencing sexual abuse include:

• Having a respectful, supportive relationship with your child in which they learn good boundaries and know they can come to you with any problems
• Teaching children to recognize grooming behaviors
• Teaching children to trust their instincts and speak up
• Be willing to separate yourself and your child from friends, family, and neighbors who display signs of grooming behaviors
• Check out NCTSN’s information about child sexual abuse: http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/caring_for_kids.pdf
• When in doubt, contact a counselor trained in this area, the Child Abuse & Neglect Hotline (800-96-ABUSE for Florida), and/or your local Child Advocacy Center (Gulf Coast Kids’ House: gulfcoastkidshouse.org for the Pensacola area).

A common denominator for both adults and children is that the sexual aggressor is in a position of power (or trying to exercise power) over those they are targeting.  It is time that as a society we say enough of this power-play.

The most important aspect for healing for both adults and children is to be believed and supported.  #MeToo is one powerful way that society as a whole is showing more belief in the reality of sexual abuse and providing more unconditional support for those who have experienced it.  Let’s make sure that this becomes the norm.